(This blog posting was started on Tuesday, August 26, 2008 and posted today)
My daughter Sydney (who just turned 13 less than a month ago), is gone
for a week as of today. She flew out of Lincoln, Nebraska at 6:20 this
morning (August 26), destined for upstate New York (the Catskills), where she is
attending a week-long, intensive performing arts workshop called
Beginnings. (See Sydney's website for more details: www.sydneyariana.com, and follow the hearts!)
When I say she's "gone" - I mean GONE in every practical sense that relates to her inability to speak with family during this period. Due to the policy of this workshop, she cannot call us, and we cannot call her. At some point she will write, but I realize that with all of my many pre-travel lists and reminders, I actually forgot to make certain she packed postage stamps. So today I sent a card to her with some stamps - just in case.
I hope she will be well - emotionally and physically. It's a tough thing to know there is a chance she will hate significant aspects of this experience - i.e. the director, Peter Sklar, seems to behave somewhat arrogantly, operating on a belief that "his" way is necessarily the "right" way. When it comes to his business, I believe he probably and usually is correct. But he crosses lines into the areas of others' "business," and expertise.
Even though some of Sklar's points are quite relevant, his attitude is disrespectful and egoistic, disregarding that others - including parents - are also mostly thoughtful and caring and knowledgeable (and actually know more about their own children, with complexities born from years of consideration for the balance of emotional and physical health, ethics, and the holistic needs and strengths of their own family members).
At the same time, I also believe - from what I have researched and observed - that Beginnings will offer unique and life-enriching experiences for Sydney - which is why we have supported her desire to attend. She's no "weakling." She's never shied away from challenges and seems to always come out on top of them. She also just experienced a rugged kayaking camp in Alaska, so "roughing it" is not new to her. Sydney is a focused, self-directed person who prefers withstanding discomfort over giving up anything significant from herself to anyone who does not deserve it, or who tries to take it from her. And ironically that is - in part - what also worries me.
If Sklar behaves in a manner that requires Sydney to compromise herself in any way that she perceives is not appropriate or right - i.e. if he requires that Sydney (or anyone) go against her own common sense with regard to personal needs - for instance, by suggesting she cannot take her medication because we failed to adhere exactly to his contrived, self-ingratiating requirements, Sydney may shut down completely - at least on the inside.
She is not prone to subjecting herself to unreasonable people or "cult-like" situations that would say, "Do as I say, and forget about your own understanding or what your parents tell you is right." And in this case, that's good.
Sklar is not my daughter's relative or even a close friend. He is directing a mighty profound educational
workshop (from the sound of it) with experienced, industry-savvy
professionals, and selecting hundreds of interested children (for many thousands of dollars)
each year. As with most capitalist ventures, this helps him while he offers
desired goods to others.
Sklar should earn the trust of
children and their parents, not because he says he deserves it, but
because of a respect for others. Not because he's been doing this for 24 years, but because he sees each person and situation as unique. Treat others as he wishes to be
treated in return.
"Do as I do, not just as I say." That's the healthy, honest way.
That Sydney's prescribing
doctor (of the medication she's currently taking) no longer resides in
Omaha should not be a reason for Sklar to give Sydney any sort of a
difficult time about her medication, which has been a
quality-of-life-saver for her. Hopefully Sklar's assumption that he has
something to teach our kids' parents and their doctors won't manifest itself in any
practical way beyond his initial educational essay.
So, yes, I'm both excited for Sydney and concerned for her. If she
is to be considered mature enough for serious work (i.e. the business of entertainment
and performing arts), she must be able to live away from
family and trust the guidance of others in the business. But there are
appropriate lines for such guidance and a necessary amount of trust-building that should happen before we hand our kids over to anyone, no matter what their degree or past experience includes. Also, if Sydney is considered mature enough to be in such a situation as Sklar's residential workshop, there just may be a
reason - i.e. the parents and child are doing a lot of significant things right ...
right?
I am her mother, and as such I must think about the bigger picture - weighing benefits and opportunities against the longer-term ramifications of those decisions I make for my children. Ultimately, I want Sydney to be healthy emotionally and physically - to feel empowered to make her own decisions based on her own common sense and genuine self-respect, her honesty, empathy, and ethical standards. And if some of those decisions are not within the scope other people's vision, understanding, or personal points-of-view - including Sklar's - so be it.
While Sklar may know a fair amount about certain topics, he only knows so much. I want Sydney to consider this about EVERYone - even her parents, and especially relative strangers (which is what Sklar is to her currently).
Sklar's responsibility for my daughter ends at offering what he has roughly agreed to offer for the price he sets - until or unless relationships change - which requires a reciprocal connection. He knows he is required to offer no more, and he makes sure to protect himself in every regard, even from inconvenience. That's just business, but we also see him crossing lines of ethics, which causes some unease. How should Sklar expect us to believe he has our children's best interests at heart at every moment? That's what families and friends are for; not business men.
Of course I believe Sklar has an exceptionally unique program in general,
and that he does sincerely care (in general) about the well-being and development of the children
he selects to represent his program as they immerse themselves more
fully into aspects of the industry via his line-up of classes, seminars and impressive programming opportunities. That's why Sydney wanted to go and
why we helped make it happen for her.
I will even offer that I see Sklar as a visionary. He has grand ideas and he works
to make them happen. He's committed and creative and bold. But he's
also arrogant and disrespectful (or distrustful?) of the visions of
others, which - as we've learned from our Greek mythology lessons
- closes one to opportunities and experiences beyond our own comprehension. And a person who is
closed to learning from others can be unhealthy for himself and
others. I think Sydney can sense this, too.
It may be far better for establishing a useful level of trust if parents could sense that Sklar understands his own limitations in relation to their children and is willing to accede some deference to the children and their families for perhaps knowing more than he does about certain topics related to their own lives, regardless of his select research into general areas (such as nutritional habits, ADHD, depression, medications, and his (perhaps unrelated) outspoken ignorance regarding what he erroneously touts as Microsoft's superiority over Mac systems - ugh. But that's a topic I'll write more about later) ...
So, as of about 12:25 p.m. Central Time (1:25 p.m. Eastern), Sydney made
her last call to tell me she and her friend Jackie had met their
chaperone at LaGuardia airport. After that call, her phone was turned off and turned over to
the chaperone, and we will have to wait until we receive a letter to
learn any more...
... Later in the afternoon, I opened our front door to let our kitties out for a while, and I noticed one of Nature's greatest seasonal phenomena. It seems as though these annual changes literally happen over night (at least for us living in the country). My attention was first drawn to a single white butterfly fluttering about in the grass.
Butterflies seem to fly aimlessly and without purpose, if one only watches for a few unfocused seconds. But it's not true. Watching intently for a while longer, I noticed there were actually others frolicking in other parts of our yard - especially near the patches of scattered clover that has blanketed a strip in front of the house. There were several butterflies of pale yellow and white, but even with the color difference, they seemed to all belong to the same type as they were of similar shape and size.
Miraculously - after observing them engaged in what seemed to be their own solitary endeavors - I saw a yellow butterfly cover a lot of ground within a matter of seconds - playfully swooping over and around a white butterfly. They flew together in frenetic style - swirling around each other, up and down, co-mingling and lightly bumping until they broke apart and flew their separate ways. I then saw that same yellow butterfly - apparently eager for more play or perhaps companionship - move directly over to connect with another in the same fashion.
Butterflies must have excellent eyesight or selective attraction to the motion of their own kind, or else they detect "butterfly sounds" we humans cannot hear. I'm impressed that while all of these new beings emerged overnight, they already seemed experienced in their duties and pleasures, and were at once each similar and different from the others.
The one butterfly had flown so far and so quickly to meet up directly with the other two, that I had to wonder what motivated this soul's personality, inspiring it to be so bold and outgoing and desirous of company, while the others seemed somewhat disinterested in playing along?
As humans, we are generally egocentric. We are apt to believe only our own species is capable of experiencing this level of complexity in life. We see our own experiences in our subjective ways and tend to project our personal sense and limited understanding of life and love and joy and sorrow onto the world - generally dismissing the many life forms around us as insignificant and inconsequential, or simplistic and inferior.
But just in the few moments I stood watching - giving my full attention to noticing some of their behavioral and social patterns, I was able to share briefly in the joyous possibilities of these newly-emerged metamorphs, changed and freed yet again by Nature to explore our world's ever-miraculous paradox.
I was able to relate to them briefly as kindred souls subject to the same fundamental needs and wants as I experience. I was moved to consider how Nature allows for the experience of Life's Joy - even for the most fragile and the smallest among us - like butterflies.
The
life cycle for butterflies takes so many forms and is so much shorter than
our own, but our own view of time and the "human condition" is relative, isn't it? The
challenges of a butterfly are inexplicable to us mere humans. We could
never fully contemplate all that must be taken in and lived through by
such mysterious and wondrous beings. And this is why gods must also exist for butterflies.
If it is true - as I believe it is - that the Laws of Paradox provide the greatest gifts to the greatest givers, then it is plausible a butterfly experiences some of the greatest levels of joy and freedom possible during their relatively short lives.
This realization helps me to reaffirm my belief in the necessary existence and interconnectedness of Joy and Sorrow as Nature's Paradox - a paradox as one of relative experience, subject to each of our own perspectives. In other words Nature allows for both happiness and grief (living as we die and dying as we live) simultaneously and continuously.
The
possibility of either and both conditions is afforded at every moment and for every being.
It's just that some - as with the butterflies - are more aware of the sweetest clover
patches and driven by a strong desire to dance, while others flounder about in the flowerless grass, safely
avoiding the unknown risks of spontaneous interaction.
And then I thought again about Sydney. About the beauty of her
very being and of her desire to find the clover and to dance - even at
risk of discomfort or challenge to herself. That she wanted us to allow
her to take that risk means a lot. As her mom, I can only hope her
desire in this case produces some of the nectar she seeks for her life.
I'm thinking of you Sydney, and I'm so very proud of the person you are. I love you, Mom
NOTE:
(This workshop has left Sydney in debt for about $2000. If you are inspired by her life and want to support her work toward her dream of performing on Broadway, please consider donating to her "From the Heart" site. Contributions will be applied toward what she owes for her trip, and donors will automatically be treated to information updates and special "footage" and materials offered exclusively to those who support her efforts.
Any amount is appreciated (and you can donate directly from her site and watch the hearts fill in!)
For every $100 (in combined donations from any one individual or family), we also are offering:
* A copy of Sydney's workshop DVD highlighting her week full of experiences and her solo monologue performance Off-Broadway in New York City; AND
* An exclusive recording from Sydney and/or Nick of any song (within range and as appropriate); AND
* Entry into a drawing for a free, FULL-featured iFamilyWorks website*** (Ex: If a contributor donates $100, he/she will be entered once for this drawing. $500 would offer 5 entries).
ANY ONE is eligible for these gifts of appreciation, but donations over $50 must be approved by persons 19 years or older.
*** Drawing for the iFamilyWorks website will be held when all of Sydney's hearts are filled in or on January 1, 2009, whichever comes first! Please check out Sydney's site at: www.SydneyAriana.com and consider supporting her future in the performing arts!)
KEEP CHECKING BACK. We are hard at work updating Sydney's site and adding new content frequently. If some links do not currently work, it's a temporary situation. They are place-holders for soon-to-be-added content. Please visit again and frequently!